Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Don't look back in anger (i heard you say)

It's been a while since I woke up from a deep sleep two days in a row feeling bitter, angry, frustrated, and upset, just to name a few fun adjectives. I woke up wishing I had slapped him in the face rather than pretend I wasn't that upset about the situation. I'm a fucking great actor when I want to be. Who me? Upset? Naaaah. You used me and threw me away like a bag of stinky trash, but why would I be angry?

He told me it wasn't like that at all, that he was in a confusing situation and wasn't sure what he wanted, that he's strong in every aspect of his life except when it comes to his ex-wife. I felt like I was in the midst of a fucking sappy telenovela. Him with his slow Spanish accent, and me, the heartbroken smiling American girl who can't communicate as well as he does and falls into his trap of lies.

Everyone warned me. I warned myself. But I told myself long ago that I wouldn't pass up a chance for love when my feelings are strong, because there are very few times in my life when I am undoubtedly drawn to someone. I don't believe in regrets, and to be sure I don't look back with any, I fall into situations head first knowing, most of the time, they are wrong for me. And this time was no different, it just hit me harder than most.